Work of dreams

I have to write a piece on the global natural rubber market at work this week. Here’s what I’d write if I wouldn’t get fired for it:

Natural Rubber

The natural rubber market is so fucking exciting. It’s like rock and roll with out any of the sex, drugs or rock and roll. Whatever. There’s fucking trees and juntas and all that shit. Let’s roll.

Prices

Natural rubber prices have been on a year and a half long acid trip. Here’s what happened. These two gangsta rubber traders got together and had the following conversation (these gansta rubber traders are gansta in the same manner that Kevin Federline is gangsta):
Snoop Rubber Trader: “You know what this market needs?”
Dr. Dre Trader: “You bet I do!”
SRT: “Oh yeah, you think you bad? We need to bring some irrational exuberance in this mother.”
DDT: “You know it. Irrational Exuberance and fucking hookers.”
SRT: “Oh no you didn’t. I love me some fucking hookers with my natural rubber. Oh wait, some bitch is buzzing me on my cellie.”
[…]
DDT: “Who dat?”
SRT: “That’s my buddy Jay Oil Trader Z.”
DDT: “He still banging that slut?”
SRT: “Nah, he’s got some other slut talking ‘bout being all bootylicious and shit.”
DDT: “Damn. Whats up with Jay Oil Trader Z?”
SRT: “Shit, fucking crude oil gone up another 10 fucking dollar a barrel. That's so dope. You know what that shit means!”
DDT: “Dat’s fucking right. Crude oil going up means synthetic rubber gonna go up which means we can take that natural rubber price way the fuck up! Jack it.”
SRT: “You fucking know it. That shit’s worth at least 10 cents a pound. What what! My name is fucking Mike Jones!”
DDT: “I thought it was Snoop.”
SRT: “Whatevs dipshit, buy my contract. Damn, we’re so fucking rich. Let’s go get some fucking sushi.”

And so it has gone.

Supply

Natural rubber supply is relatively easy to understand. As such, we will attempt to get through this quickly. Ahem: Thailand , Indonesia and Malaysia all make a fuckload of natural rubber. Basically, without them, there’d be no rubber. India ’s a wannabe. Vietnam is a lame wanna be. What’s the difference? India actually has an economy and, you know, roads and shit to get the rubber places, whereas ordering your rubber from Vietnam will be a slow agonizing process as it takes a while for donkeys to cross the ocean. The Philippines are so amazingly lame that I shouldn’t even mention them. They’re all like: we are going to be kings of natural rubber. And I’m all like, do you even know how much rubber Thailand produces? Then you have South America that has this fucking rubber blight cause they are like catholic and shit and won’t use condoms. No really, the trees can’t grow there cause of a tree blight. So they’re fucking auf’d. China makes the shit, but they are too far north to grow the copious amounts they need. Which brings us back to the start: Thailand, Indonesia and Malaysia motherfucking axis of rubber evil.

Demand

The demand section of this report could easily be titled, “Why you should all give up your pussy ass union jobs at the tire companies right away and start taking Mandarin lessons.” Why should it be called that? Because eventually, China will consume so much rubber, they’ll be adding the shit to their Kung Pao Chicken. Every tire will come from China. They won’t even put made in China on their shit. They will require that everyone else in the world label their tires because we are all going to assume the shit is made in China unless told otherwise. So basically, this section could also be called: “Watch your back because China’s tire industry is going to fuck you all up the butthole.”

Conclusion

Natural rubber comes from trees. Homiquest out!

Disclaimer: This is a satire and is not meant to reflect actual goings on in the rubber market or the opinions of me or of my employer who shall remain nameless.

Over the rainbow

Yesterday, while I stopped at a light on the Feeder Road of Death to get onto the Highway of Death during the late-summer rainshower, I saw a little girl in the car next to me. She was probably no more than five years old and so cute. Her mom was in the front seat talking on the phone and paying no attention to her. Anyway, the little girl pointed toward the sky in front of the car, and I sorta smiled and thought, "Crazy kid." I looked over a few seconds later, and she pointed again. I humored her and followed her finger. Then I saw what she was pointing out. It was a big, quite bright rainbow. It was lovely, I looked back at her and smiled as she mouthed, "Rainbow." How wonderful.

Now, yes, I called this time of year, late-summer. I live in Houston; it's like late summer for most of the year. The only time it's not late summer is when it's actual summer and then it just sucks.

Quick letters

Dear Fellow Concert Goers -

If you want to stand in the front, get to the fucking concert early.

Thank you,

Kristen
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Dear Drunk Girl at the Concert -

Put your fucking shoes on you skanky ass bitch. You are too fucking old to be that drunk at 9:30.
Thank you,

Kristen

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Dear Loser at the Concert -

Please consult someone who isn't a loser to see what the actual sign for "love" is and the actual sign for "death metal" is. Though you may love Karen O, as we all do very very much, you look like a loser tool douche bag holding your hand up like that.

Thank you,

Kristen

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I didn't see Ghostland Observatory. This little thing called reality crept in after my trainer wiped the floor with my ass on Wednesday evening making both staying awake and moving difficult and rendering concert attendance impossible. I'm ever so slightly bummed.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs were fucking great.

I had this bit.

Last night, I started to write a bit about how the Republicans have done us all a favor over the last two weeks by going out of their way to prove just how unfit they are to run this country. But it didn't end up the way I wanted it to. Part of the bit started out with, "Rush Limbaugh said..." which is, I think, a good sign that your bit is not going to end up being very funny. So, it got deleted and is out there with all the other bits that all the other blog writers all around the world thought were going to be funny but ended up just missing the mark.

Tonight I go to see Ghostland Observatory at the Warehouse Live. I'm pretty excited. Though I am not excited about the 7 am meeting I have tomorrow ("Kristen, do you have anything to contribute?" "Motherfucker, I said I can't hear you, and I'm tired. Figure the shit out and send me a memo"). I just have to leave the venue at 11 no matter what. I will also be tired at work on Monday as I am seeing the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at the Warehouse (Anne's all, that's a strange site and I'm like hells fucking yeah it is). Equally exciting is Voxtrot's upcoming performance at Walter's. Even more exciting than that is Voxtrot's upcoming performance in Austin at Emo's with Beirut. I am currently deciding whether or not to take this trip (I'm all like you mean Beirut Beirut? like that one?). This, of course, brings me back to the whole, "Let's do Austin" dillema, but whatever. I went into Kelly's office and said, "OHMYGOD guess what." She's all, "What." I'm all, "Voxtrot and Beirut are playing at Emo's on the 28th of October!" She's all, "Oh. Ok." I might as well have said, "Ohmygod, natural rubber futures on the TOCOM have dropped significatnly in the past month in tandem with energy prices." But it's safe to say I won't have company if I go.

The following sentence will be compiled under signs that despite my likeable exterior, I am a yuppie: My new personal trainer has taken my metabolism to previously unknown heights. Well, previously unknown since I used to run. She kicks my ass. She kicks it all day long and then kicks it some more. By the end of the session, I am at my funniest because when I make her laugh, she goes easier on me. I feel like Pavlov's dog.

Do you know that I have never, ever, not once in my life actually said the words, "And she's all..."

Ok, I putting myself to sleep. Have fun with this one, sucka....

[use your imagination to pretend I could link to a photo of ghostland observatory despite my inferior html skills]

Exuberance with which i embrace new things

I buy lots of cds. I listen to a lot of new music. Much of it is good. Some of it is great. And some of it makes me go "ohmygod THIS is why I love music." TV on the Radio's Return to Cookie Mountain is one such album.


And, The Black Keys' Magic Potion is one of the new great ones. Some asshole on iTunes said it sounds like Bad Company, but that person obviously is deaf. Though I do like Bad Company. I am very sad that the closest the Black Keys are coming to Houston on their fall tour is New Orleans.