It Beats 4 U

Our home will be filled with music. We will sit on the porch on Sunday afternoon drinking beer with the Black Keys. We will make love to My Morning Jacket. You will laugh at my Jemina Pearl dance. I won't spend time worrying that you will leave me once you find out I'm really boring. When you come back from a night out with your friends, you will nuzzle my neck with your sweet, drunk breath and tell me that you missed me. We will go to concerts. We will camp. We will travel. I will take pictures and make a scapbook. You will lovingly laugh at the exuberance with which I embrace my "new thing," and will not comment about the speed with which I throw it away (Death Cab for Cutie was SO December 2005). It will be ok that I refuse to clean the house or do yard work; we can pay someone to do both. You will be a beer drinker; we will go to bars scoping out good beer; we will reject bars based on their lack of quality beers on tap. I will cook for you. I will bake for you. I will tell you what I want. You will make me laugh; I will make you laugh. You will help me when we go to parties or bars, understanding that it is hard for me. We will watch college football on Saturdays in the fall. We will needle each other when our teams lose. I won't be angry from trying too hard to make you happy. We won't go to the gym together. You won't have to go to the ballet with me. I will never make you go shopping with me. We will eat at good restaurants. You will love me, and I will know that it is enough. I will love you, and I will know that I am enough.

Letters

Dear Mr. Timberlake,

Thank you for bringing Sexy back. We missed her very much though she could be a man because you are sexy and you are a man but I don't think it matters. I think that you should go have fun with Sexy and Cameron swimming in the ocean and going on tour. Now that Sexy is back I think that life has a lot of possibilities that had been gone before but now are back because you brought Sexy back. Thank you, Kristen
___________________________________________________________

Dear Timbaland,

Thank you for making a good song with Justin who unless you forgot you helped him bring Sexy back. I've liked you since your song with Aliyah with the baby cry. My friend Wes didn't like the baby cry but I told him that he should just ignore it because the rest of the song was really good. Also you have a studio in Virginia Beach which is where I'm from you should go to the beach near my dad's cottage it's fun there. I made out with boys there when I was in high school. Thank you, Kristen
___________________________________________________________

Dear Fergie,

Please stop singing. I have thought you were stupid since your song about humps which were really butt cheeks or boobies that was never really clear. Now your song about London Bridge is stupid too. I think that you probably mean something sexual when you say that London Bridge is going to fall but all I can think about is a bridge falling down and that would be scary not sexy. Talk to Justin cause he brought Sexy back not bridges falling back. Thank you, Kristen
___________________________________________________________
Dear NBC:

Please cancel ER. It is stupid and played out. Thank you, Kristen
___________________________________________________________

Dear Bands that I Like,

Please come to Houston on the weekends only because a lot of your fans have to work and we don't want to be tired all day and we still really like you even if we won't go. I think that you just try to come on weekdays so that 22 year old post-college pre-life fuck ups can come see you post about it on their blogs leaving us older people to miss you show or come and drool on our keyboards at our jobs the next day and then we will get fired and become 28 year old post-employment-post-indie-hipster-even-more-losery losers. Thank you, Kristen

I'm an independent motherfucker

The weather in Houston this week is making me feel hopeful. It's been cool and not very humid. I've been outside every afternoon, basking in the loveliness trying to ride the wave of hope. I have been a bit out of sorts lately, which is to say that I've been feeling depressed. I haven't really felt this way since I was graduating from Virginia Tech. I think that now, as it was then, I'm channelling this huge anxiety I'm feeling over the future of my life into a nice, unhealthy depression. Now, the one in 2001 lasted 3 years and wreaked havoc on all facets of my life. In 2006, I know better and am not going to let that happen... somehow. The transition I was going through in 2001 was from student to real person (one I failed at miserably since I scrambled back to school one year later). The transition I'm going through now is from fat person to not fat person (there's some other stuff, but I can't get into it yet). Those of you who know me know that I've lost some 40 pounds this year, and the change has been amazing. I feel great (physically), I have so much energy, etc. But I'm scared.

First off, no one gains 100 pounds on accident. It's not like you wake up one morning and say, "oh damn, I've gone up 5 sizes in the past two years, how'd that happen?" If you are like me, you gain it kicking and screaming. Staring longingly at your smaller pant sizes thinking, if I just lose 10 pounds they will fit me again as you devour the second pint of mind numbing ice cream. My mom once told me that you have to work really hard to gain a lot of weight, and she's right. It's a symptom.

So why'd I do it? I sent my emotions to the local meat processing facility in late 2000/early 2001. A lot of drama, all caused by me, and in the end, I lost several of my closest friends and became terrified of getting emotionally involved. It's easier to live in your head and imagine the great friends you will have than risk actually having them and getting hurt again (lying on the floor, clutching my stomach, empty from missing him). What also helps is chocolate. What makes it hard is the acting. I couldn't be depressed in public, which made going out in public very hard. So I did it less and less frequently. When I moved to South Bend, I felt like I could start over, and I tried. However, in the end the worry won out and I retreated, keeping a few friends and going out when I could. I like to think I wasn't obvious about it, but I've been nominated for a Best Happy Faker Emmy several times.

But I'm almost better. I'm still so scared of making friends, and it takes me so long to do so. I think the reason places I live have a 2 year expiration date is that by that time the reality of my situation hits me: I'm still the same, and I still have the same shit to overcome. Geography has nothing to do with it. But, the most horrible symptom of that time in my life is leaving.

Again though, I'm scared. For the longest time, if anyone (including myslef) asked me whether or not I wanted to have a boyfriend, the answer was a quick: NO! The thought of being with someone now was too much to bear. I would normally cry. Last time I was in New York, a guy at a restaurant started talking to me and asked if he could call me. He was Indian, and I told myself he just wanted a green card. The degree to which my low self-image has run my life is regrettable. I've always taken a lot of pride in my independence and the fearlessness with which I do things alone that most people would never do (though if I'm honest, doing them alone is really easier for me).

But now, the answer to the question is different. The answer is a hesitant, turning red, almost crying, breathlessly whispered Yes.

I just have to keeping telling myself that being brave isn't being unafriad. Being brave is doing what you are afraid of despite your fears.

post title is quote from Be Your Own Pet's "Bunk Trunk Skunk"

liar

My computer has been lying to me all week. I've been on east coast time, but my computer has stayed in central time. I thought that computers were supposed to sense these things. So a glance at the time tells me: oh, 10 min until you want to get into bed. When it should really say: "you need to go to bed now lest you flail around in client meetings tomorrow mumbling under your stale, wine-soaked breath, 'fuck your butadiene price woes, where's the fucking bathroom'" Throwing the entire time equation off further is the 1o minute aheaddedness of my hotel clock. So it goes, look at the computer clock, look at the hotel clock, get utterly confused, shake head, chastise self for still not being in bed.

I finally got the song I am obsessed with off the internet. Go find it then let's talk about it.

I stalked my high school reunion photos on the internet. I was sort of wondering if I should have gone, but seeing the photos and thinking at half of them: did I go to school with that person or is that her husband?, I realized that I made the wise decision to save the money and go to Lollapalooza.

Though there's one person I want to know about. And he's not who you think.

You go for a walk in the rain with the shirt you have

This morning, I went for my long Saturday walk. Halfway through and more than 2 miles out, it started to pour down rain. Prior to the walk, I picked the thin, white t-shirt over the green one so I would be cooler. As it poured, I kept thinking (as women gave me a look that shouted: "You whore, we can see your tits") I should have worn the green one. But then I realized, in the parlance of our wise Secretary of Defense (10th paragraph), "You go for a walk in the rain with the shirt you have, not the shirt you want."

Ok, let me clear my throat.... Take a look at HR857. The people we elect and pay to govern this great nation of ours spent time last week debating, voting and ultimately passing this bill. Granted the bill is in the house where the most buffoon of our elected officials play. For those of you not viewing the hyperlink (which you should because it's good fun), the bill is one to outlaw the slaughter of horses for human consumption. Now, before I get all bitchy on you, let me tell you two things: 1) I don't like horses. Horses scare the crap out of me. I have ridden horses two or three times and didn't really like any of the times. When I see horses in urban settings, I go out of my way not to go near them. 2) I am a vegetarian. I have been a vegetarian since the summer of 1993 when I came home from camp in a haze of pot smoke and unshavenness. The pot smoke and the unshavenness have since left me; however, I still can't eat meat. So I think that item one and two cancel each other out. Yeah I hate horses, but I eschew the consumption of mammals, birds or fishes. So, now that we've gotten that out of the way.

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF COUNTRTY DO WE LIVE IN WHERE A BILL LIKE THIS IS TAKEN SERIOUSLY ENOUGH TO BE DEBATED? This bill has bi-partisan support. I can see the nut jobs from my party pandering to the bleeding heart horse lovers, but those assholes on the other side of the aisle, you know the "party of small government" what are they doing? But this bill, I mean: what's the point. Just because horses are nice and fuzzy and people like to ride them, let's take the time to debate a bill outlawing their slaughter for human consumption? SERIOUSLY. Don't we have important things to talk about? Aren't you Republicans really concerned that you are paying taxes on your $20 million a year income while the poor don't have to pay any taxes at all (and they are poor for heavens sake! don't they deserve to pay all their money in taxes for having the audacity not to make more than $15,000 a year)? Doesn't' anyone care that our dickhead-in-chief has created a new way of governing based on the oh-so-mature-i'm-so-happy-i-live-in-this-country philosophy of "It's easier to get permission after you've already done what you want than to ask permission before you do what you want even if it against the law" which is a twist on the "easier to beg forgiveness" line. Though I guess I understand because begging and forgiveness are signs of weakness when you have mentally ill brown people to beat the shit out of. And if you beg or forgive, the terrorists have won.

I just can't believe that some lobbying group (probably the beef industry, check out the text in that link above) grabbed the balls of your local representative and said, "Give me a larger export market or find another job." And now we all think that horse killing should be outlawed. Of course in this election year, I can understand the pressure. I mean, I can just see the ads, "Representative John Smith wants to kill horses. John Smith eats horses in his spare time. John Smith kills horses with his bare hands and rips out the still beating heart while screaming 'That's right Mothaaaa Fuuuuccccckkkkeeeerrrrrsssss'. Don't let John Smith back into Washington. This ad has been paid for by Concerned Citizens With Too Much Time on Their Hands." This bill is even a factor in this country where semiautomatic weapons are legal. In this country where Britney Spears is allowed to have children! And where Kevin Federline has had FOUR children. Four. I know really four (I'm sorry Kevin, but it's time for those testicles to come off).