Fun Vacations

Yesterday afternoon at work, a coworker asked me a question about something I had given the coworker to do. It was an innocent enough question to which I responded something very charming like: "You goddamned idiot. Can’t you fucking read? I clearly outlined my request in my email. Do you think that I am an idiot and don’t know what I fucking want? Asshole.” And then I got fired.

Ok, I just said: "I meant that I need you to do this..." And I didn't get fired. But the question wasn't even stupid. I was just freaking out. So what's wrong? Why am I hypothetically cursing out innocent co-workers? Well, I’ve decided to go out of town this weekend.

Oh great! Going out of town is fun, you say. Well, not if you are an insane person. Here goes. I have to get out of Houston. I just need to leave and do something fun. And as fun as I think going to Akron in two weeks is going to be. I want to, you know, do something else fun before I go there. (Aside: I told my boss in a moment of seriousness, “I would really like to go to this conference in Akron. I think it will add greatly to my knowledge of the tire market.” Of course, little did I know at the time that several of good bands would be coming to town ahead of ACL while I was off listening to papers on the state of Pakistan’s tire industry).

So, going out of town. I decided to go to Fredericksburg, TX. Fredericksburg is this quaint little town in the Hill Country that thinks it’s all German and sells pastries. The decision to go was something like: “Oh yippee, it’s all fucking German there, big deal ohmygod they have pastries” (and I've heard coworkers talking about the town's general disdain for children in public which is a bonus for me... "Pastries and they don't like kids...."). But then I’m tooling around the internet checking out this band that I’ve read about here several times, (and whose songs on myspace make me happy), and they are playing in Austin this weekend. So I think, cool I’ll go to Austin and see them instead. Achieves several goals: 1) Getting the fuck out of Houston 2) Checking out new, potentially cool band 3) Exploring Austin more. Enter crisis.

I’ve lived alone for a long time. I first had my own place when I was 19 (then I was sort of on again off again with roommates). But I have lived alone consistently since I was 23. And I’ve lived in towns where I know only a few people for three of the last five years. So, the point is, I do a lot alone. It’s fine. It suits me. But I don’t really like going to bars alone. I don’t really like going to bars at all; however, going alone exposes me in all my social anxiety glory. So that freaks me out. In addition, the fact that I don’t have anyone in Houston to call up and go, “Hey, let’s do Austin Saturday” gets me really down. Like really a lot down. Like crying on the way back to work from lunch, sobbing on the phone kind of down. Yes, I’m melodramatic.

Now, I’m a solution girl. Generally, I don’t like wallowing in my problems. However, this afternoon, I spent 10 minutes sobbing in the phone to Anu and every time she offered a helpful solution, I would say, “I don’t want a solution, I just want to complain.” That’s bad. Also bad is the little situation I now face. If I go out of town and go to this show, I will leave feeling sorry for myself and will probably cry, so I want to avoid that. But if I stay here and hole up in my apartment for three days in order to avoid afore mentioned pain, I will feel even worse. So I’m most likely going. That’s just the kind of headstrong jerk I am. But ugggggg. Be my friend. Call 1800Biggestfuckingloserever.

Random Sarcasm

Some things that I've collected in the past week.

1. Football. I performed my annual pre-football season ritual last weekend. Basically, the ritual is watching Any Given Sunday. I love that movie. I pumps me up. I love football. So here's the run down. Virginia Tech: They make appearances on both the ESPN and USA Today top 25 polls. Actually, they are in the top 20. However, we are at a significant disadvantage now that we have rid ourselves of criminal elements. Well, actually Virginia Tech doesn't give a shit if you are a thug, they just need you to be less obvious about it than Marcus Vick could manage to be. Notre Dame: This team is expected to rock this year: 2 in one poll, 3 in the other. That's because the coach is superhuman. That's because the quarter back has a hot ass. And because they are both very talented. And because we have baby Jesus and the Virgin Mary on our side. Oh and God, too. Washington Redskins: I don't know anything about the Redskins this season. I have been genetically programmed to be a fan of theirs but am normally so concerned with my college teams that losing Sunday to the angst that comes with watching football games does not seem like a fun idea.
2. Miami Vice. So I saw this movie yesterday. It was good, and I plan to see it again. Of course, I plan to see it again only because I have no fucking idea what happened in the damned thing. In the first act, I managed to understand the general outline of the movie: Jamie Fox and Colin Farrell are badass cops of some sort in some city (I presume that they are vice cops in Miami; however, this is never really made clear. I spent a few minutes going: is this in LA?). But the basic point is to find a leak in a federal drug operation so that they can find out how their friend got killed. Colin Farrell can't decide if he's from wherever he's really from: the American South or from some other unknown place in my country. But anyway, the basic premise was set up and then I had to sort of hold on to their ankles while they dragged me around to various places in the Americas and introduced various characters. Had lots of sex. Talked about drugs a lot. Switched accents a few times. Flew in some airplanes. Went into some really fast boats. And by the end, I didn't know who the fucking leak was. And that was deeply unsatisfying.
3. One of my favorite albums of the year is Beirut's Gulag Orkester. It's just wonderful. I'm not going to review it cause that's not the point. Here, go read these reviews. But, I was driving down the road listening to this wonderful album and fantasizing about doing something cool in whichever countries the music is from. Then I thought as I always do: I want to see Beirut live. And that's when I started to wonder: how the fuck do you dance to this music? I can dance to anything, but I would not know what to do to this in a concert venue. I sorta sway around my apartment in my underwear when I listen to it, but I don't know about doing that in a small club. But really, no music has been better created to suite the indie asshole's tendency to stand around and nod his head. Peace. Go buy this album. And fucking buy; it don't steal it. Assholes (sorry, watching the Emmy's and Barry Manilow's botox has made me aggressive).

I had something else to write, but I've decided to put it off for a while. Have fun kids.

Late Lolla

I was going to call this Snakes on A Plane in an attempt to further dilute the brand of this movie; however, this movie is being blogged about everywhere and that's not even what this post is about.

I have required (and delayed) Lollapalooza blogging to attend to. It's not going to be much. I prefer to use this blog to rant about absolutely silly things rather than actually tell people things about my life (you should have seen the doozie I wrote earlier about the President's warrantless wiretapping program... which is incidentally, not silly, but the rant was. Political points are rarely scored by using the word fuck a lot). So here's the best of Lollapalooza:

1) It wasn't a long set, but GOOD-NESS it kicked some ass. Oh yes, it was so good that the word 'goodness' had to be broken into two words using a hyphen. Here's some photos.

Ok, the second one isn't that great, but that's why I'm an engineer not a photographer.

Snakes on a Plane.

2. Flaming Lips. Who doesn't like the Flaming Lips? Oh you? Well, you are a loser and will spend eternity in hell. Sorry that's just what happens.

Those are good photos, especially considering how far away we were.

There were many more bands. There are many more photos, but Blogger's photo function is being a big fat pussy (speaking of pussy, I'm watching Fatboy Slim from Letterman last night and he's just scratching. Really, just standing there scratching. The backup singers are looking on going, "He gets paid more than we do?" You always wonder about electronic music live, like will it suck; however, the Chemical Brothers were so fun to watch. This dude is boring me).

Other Random Things:

1. The management of my soap opera (All My Children) have fired all the cameramen and hired a pack of drunk people to do their work. So, it's very difficult to watch without being a) drunk myself or b) without my glasses on.
2. Snakes on a Plane.
3. My soap opera has also gone into the typical summer teenager bullshit. I don't know who they are appealing to with this crap. But I don't want to hear 16 year-old complaining about the budget for her birthday party.
4. I hate that I worry. It is physically painful when I worry as much as I did last night. I ate 300 calories for dinner after going to the gym because I was so sick to my stomach. I woke up dizzy.
5. I love my new camera. Love it. Snakes on a Plane. I want to sleep with it under my pillow. Here's a photo of a) knitting... the first decent picture of knitting I've ever taken. b) my cat... who is so cute.

Kristen's Guide to Hobbies

After these following two events, which occurred in the same week, it hit me: people need hobbies. Everyone needs hobbies. So, in order to make the lives of all of those around me better, I have decided to provide Kristen’s Guide to Hobbies.

Disturbing Event 1: On my way from the Houston Airport Pig Parking, I overheard (ok fine, I listened) to two women talking. It was readily apparent that they were Pig Parking Shuttle friends who would never ever speak again (Do those conversations ever end in everlasting friendship? "I loved our deep five minute talk about the humidity in August in Houston; wanna go get drunk one night?"). The conversation went like this:
Girl 1: You can tell what kind of plane you have by whether or not there is a TV.
Girl 2: I know. I hate it when I get a plane without them.
Girl 1: Yeah, and that means they are old.
Girl 2: I always hope they will show a movie.
Girl 1: Me too. Sometimes they show old TV shows, but that’s ok.
Girl 2: Yeah, I mean, even if they show cartoons, at least I’m not bored.
Girl 1: [Laughs] Anything, just as long as I don’t have to just sit there.

I found this very disturbing… these women had NOTHING to do on the airplane besides watch TV. Wha?

Disturbing Event 2: It was also recently brought to my attention that some people I am acquainted with have nothing better to do than talk shit about other people and stir up trouble. Like that’s all they do. All the time. And, I love a bit of shit-stirring just as much as the next person, but making it a way of life means you are a bit too fucking bored for your own good. Really, go find something else to do. Disclaimer: If I know you and have told you about this blog, that bit is not about you. If I know you and have told you about this blog and you think I forgot that I told you, I didn’t forget and that was not about you.

So, without further delay:

Hobby Criteria:

Mandatory Criteria (MC): in order to qualify as a proper hobby, your activity must meet all of the following criteria.

1. The activity must have several levels of involvement. These are generally on the level of beginner, intermediate, expert, complete-and-total dweeb. They can also be categorized as interested, mildly obsessed, obsessed, and totally-and-completely-stalker-crazed.
2. You must be able to discuss your hobby with other people. This means even people who are not involved in the hobby. Doing so may not seem necessary, but if done right, your hobby will bring so much joy to your life that you will want to share it with others.
3. A Google search for your hobby will result in the appearance of multiple websites and/or blogs on the topic. On these websites and/or blogs, there must be a community of people discussing and debating things like the merits of Sufjan Stevens’ new release with a ferocity one would think appropriate for protecting one’s offspring from communities of flesh-eating, satanic, child molesting communists. Again, you may think, this is not that important, but it really adds to your hobby if you have people to go to who understand it.
4. Your hobby will cost you lots of money. I have yet to see a hobby that doesn’t. Perhaps a hobby of learning and honing wilderness survival skills won’t cost much, but your hospital bill after your month long adventure camp fucking will.
5. Your hobby is legal. Growing pot, while meeting all MC (except maybe MC2, depending on who your friends are), is not really a good idea and is not one advocated by this website.

Optional Criteria (OC): the following criteria help, but are not essential.

1. Books have been written about your hobby. These books can either be how-to books, history books or fiction books. These really help when you are getting into the hobby, especially if it is an odd one.
2. Your hobby won’t intrude on wallets of others. I tend to think selling things doesn’t qualify as a hobby. Plus, anything you sell that violates MC4 is probably a scam and will land you in jail.
3. Your hobby won’t intrude on the peace of strangers. I can’t think of any hobbies especially outlandish enough to do this, but it’s probably a good guideline (like if your hobby is shooting pistols into crowded areas… not a good hobby). Now, as for the peace of your friends and family, that’s pretty tough to avoid. In fact, depending on the hobby, you will probably alienate or bother at least one friend and/or family member.
4. There’s a community of people who do your hobby. This is an offshoot of MC3, but is slightly different. When I say community, I mean like meetings, conferences or tournaments. Again, it really adds to the enjoyment to share your hobby with likeminded people. Even crossword puzzle solving has a tournament, so you are probably ok on this.

Good Hobbies:

1. Knitting – one of my best hobbies yet (I suppose crochet is acceptable)
2. Fixing up old cars – this is an excellent one meeting all criteria
3. Playing an instrument – again, excellent though potentially violates OC3.
4. Listening to music/a band/watching movies – may violate OC2, depending on how evangelical you get about your band.
5. Blogging – doesn’t always meet MC4, unless you start to meet OC4
6. Oenology – which is also known as the study of wine… though too much wine may very well violate OC3.
7. Reading/Literature
8. Painting/Sculpting/Photography
9. Cooking/Baking
10. Birding (for my mother)
11. Running/Sports (excluding weight lifting)
12. Gardening
13. Decorating
14. Writing

Just for fun, I will give some examples of things that we do not endorse as acceptable hobbies.

Bad Hobbies:

1. Weight Lifting – Many of you would think, Kristen, aren’t you being unfair? You said running/exercising, what’s the difference. Well, I’ll tell you. I dated a guy whose only hobbies were 1) having orgasms in 1 minute or less 2) drinking excessively and 3) weight lifting. It was bad. First of all, no one gives a shit about your muscles. Now, I know no one gives a shit about Hot New Band X that I read about last night, but really Muscles? Second, you know what happens when weight lifting is your hobby? You go fucking nuts, you start taking all kinds of creatine and protein supplements which then leads to steroids, tiny penises and the like. It’s just bad bad bad.
2. Masturbating – This would sound like an intriguing hobby. Except that when you go through the criteria, it violates way too many of them. Most of all, however, it’s just really disturbing to think of talking to other people about this… “So last night, I was…” yeah, you just don’t go there.
3. Tatoos and/or piercing – While, technically, these don’t violate any of the criteria, I think that, in general, they are not advisable. Especially if you foresee yourself being the type of person who goes through hobbies the way Paris Hilton goes through doses of penicillin (for treatment of the clap): a face full of tattoos is much more difficult to deal with in the long run than a couple of over priced bottles of Pinot Noir and a copy of The Encyclopedia of Wine.

Why I am excited about Lollapalooza

Or "Why Every Moment of My Little Life Will be Small and Meaningless Compared to the Amazing Spectacle I Will Witness this Saturday"

Or "Why You Should Attend Music Festivals Regardless of Possible Encounters with Inclement Weather, Second Hand Pot Smoke, and Sunburn"

Or "Why I Should Stop Creating Titles and Get On With It"

Here goes:

Friday: On Friday, I will start my day with some Midlake. I hope to Make Kingfish Pies with them. Then I will wander over and watch the Subways who are waytooyoung British pop rockers whose allure I can not resist. I will be their rock and roll queen. Then I will stumble from stage to stage checking out various bands including Cursive, the M's, Stars, the Editors and Mates of State. The number of bands depends on the heat index. The heat index and number of bands I see will, for every festival I attend, be inversely related.

Then, I will face the results of my first Difficult Decision of the festival. My first Difficult Decision being the decision between the Raconteurs and My Morning Jacket. I have decided on My Morning Jacket. What? You ask why Kristen, the seeker of all hipness, will eschew the Raconteurs? Here's why: 1) I think that I will just be sad that I'm seeing Jack White and that he's not playing any White Stripes songs. 2) If they do play White Stripes songs, I will be sad that I'm seeing him play them with the Raconteurs. 3) I just (I know, I'm sorry) don't really like Brendan Benson. On the other had, I have been listening to My Morning Jacket's Z with much obsession for a good while.

I may check out the Violent Femmes with Anu, but I may be interested in checking out Dinner Procurement instead (which is not a band but a meal). However, after this lull of one hour, I will go and watch Ween who are my heros forever and ever. I could talk for a good long while about why I love Ween, but no one cares. I just love them. They are good fun and all fucked up and not afraid to put it out there: Yes, I have taken a lot of drugs. No, I'm not afraid you will laugh at me.

Saturday: I look forward to Saturday the way drug addicts look forward to... ummm, well, taking drugs. Whatever, look. I can't wait for Saturday. Cause seriously, I think my little music festival hobbit self will be done after it. Life can get no better. Here goes: 1) Be Your Own Pet (cause who doesn't like screaming 90 pound, 18 year old blond singers?) 2) Cold War Kids 3) Oh No! Oh My! 4) Wolfmother (cause who doesn't like Australian afros)? 5) Sonic Youth (they get their own paragraph). 6) The Flaming Lips 7) The New Pornographers 8) Kanye West (if my musically spent body is able to hold itself up by this point).

So, seeing Sonic Youth was my second Difficult Decision. Namely, Gnarls Barkley or Sonic Youth. Now, you might be thinking, silly girl, you JUST saw Sonic Youth at Bonnaroo. And to that I say, silly reader, you know not the depths of my love for this band. Here's what did it for me: I decided to see Gnarls Barkley; they were my highlighted band, and I was ready to NOT see Sonic Youth despite the fact that I was in the same town that they were and I love them and they've taken me through most of my life and I want to name my kids after them... ok, so I decided. But then I imagined myself watching Gnarls Barkley and realized that I would spend the entire time missing and wanting to be at Sonic Youth. I realized I wouldn't be able to take it. Just like I couldn't take watching Beck over Les Claypool. I just really love Les Claypool and just sorta like Beck a lot.

But seriously. Those who know me know how much I love love love the Flaming Lips. And I love love love Sonic Youth. And I get to watch them BOTH within an HOUR of each other??? I can't believe it. And I get to see Ween, Sonic Youth and The Flaming Lips within 24 hours of each other. Seriously, this is the most fabulous thing ever. EVER. (At this point I must say that yes, I am a single 28 year old with two cats and that those of you with Real Lives might think I am pathetic. But whatever, I get this excited about these things... that's why I go. I only hope I blog this much about the birth of my first child).

Sunday: So after the multiple orgasms I will have on Saturday, I'm not all that passionate about Sunday. It's going to be cool, but not the same I HAVE TO SEE THIS BAND OR DIE fest of ecstasy. Here goes: Boy Kill Boy, What Made Milwaukee Famous, The Hold Steady, Andrew Bird, Matisyahu, Of Montreal, She Wants Revenge, Queens of the Stone Age, Red Hot Chili Peppers. I'm really excited about Queens of the Stone Age. I'm also happy to see Andrew Bird again.

And then I sleep the sleep of the dead in Anu's un-airconditioned apartment.