Kristen's Guide to Hobbies

After these following two events, which occurred in the same week, it hit me: people need hobbies. Everyone needs hobbies. So, in order to make the lives of all of those around me better, I have decided to provide Kristen’s Guide to Hobbies.

Disturbing Event 1: On my way from the Houston Airport Pig Parking, I overheard (ok fine, I listened) to two women talking. It was readily apparent that they were Pig Parking Shuttle friends who would never ever speak again (Do those conversations ever end in everlasting friendship? "I loved our deep five minute talk about the humidity in August in Houston; wanna go get drunk one night?"). The conversation went like this:
Girl 1: You can tell what kind of plane you have by whether or not there is a TV.
Girl 2: I know. I hate it when I get a plane without them.
Girl 1: Yeah, and that means they are old.
Girl 2: I always hope they will show a movie.
Girl 1: Me too. Sometimes they show old TV shows, but that’s ok.
Girl 2: Yeah, I mean, even if they show cartoons, at least I’m not bored.
Girl 1: [Laughs] Anything, just as long as I don’t have to just sit there.

I found this very disturbing… these women had NOTHING to do on the airplane besides watch TV. Wha?

Disturbing Event 2: It was also recently brought to my attention that some people I am acquainted with have nothing better to do than talk shit about other people and stir up trouble. Like that’s all they do. All the time. And, I love a bit of shit-stirring just as much as the next person, but making it a way of life means you are a bit too fucking bored for your own good. Really, go find something else to do. Disclaimer: If I know you and have told you about this blog, that bit is not about you. If I know you and have told you about this blog and you think I forgot that I told you, I didn’t forget and that was not about you.

So, without further delay:

Hobby Criteria:

Mandatory Criteria (MC): in order to qualify as a proper hobby, your activity must meet all of the following criteria.

1. The activity must have several levels of involvement. These are generally on the level of beginner, intermediate, expert, complete-and-total dweeb. They can also be categorized as interested, mildly obsessed, obsessed, and totally-and-completely-stalker-crazed.
2. You must be able to discuss your hobby with other people. This means even people who are not involved in the hobby. Doing so may not seem necessary, but if done right, your hobby will bring so much joy to your life that you will want to share it with others.
3. A Google search for your hobby will result in the appearance of multiple websites and/or blogs on the topic. On these websites and/or blogs, there must be a community of people discussing and debating things like the merits of Sufjan Stevens’ new release with a ferocity one would think appropriate for protecting one’s offspring from communities of flesh-eating, satanic, child molesting communists. Again, you may think, this is not that important, but it really adds to your hobby if you have people to go to who understand it.
4. Your hobby will cost you lots of money. I have yet to see a hobby that doesn’t. Perhaps a hobby of learning and honing wilderness survival skills won’t cost much, but your hospital bill after your month long adventure camp fucking will.
5. Your hobby is legal. Growing pot, while meeting all MC (except maybe MC2, depending on who your friends are), is not really a good idea and is not one advocated by this website.

Optional Criteria (OC): the following criteria help, but are not essential.

1. Books have been written about your hobby. These books can either be how-to books, history books or fiction books. These really help when you are getting into the hobby, especially if it is an odd one.
2. Your hobby won’t intrude on wallets of others. I tend to think selling things doesn’t qualify as a hobby. Plus, anything you sell that violates MC4 is probably a scam and will land you in jail.
3. Your hobby won’t intrude on the peace of strangers. I can’t think of any hobbies especially outlandish enough to do this, but it’s probably a good guideline (like if your hobby is shooting pistols into crowded areas… not a good hobby). Now, as for the peace of your friends and family, that’s pretty tough to avoid. In fact, depending on the hobby, you will probably alienate or bother at least one friend and/or family member.
4. There’s a community of people who do your hobby. This is an offshoot of MC3, but is slightly different. When I say community, I mean like meetings, conferences or tournaments. Again, it really adds to the enjoyment to share your hobby with likeminded people. Even crossword puzzle solving has a tournament, so you are probably ok on this.

Good Hobbies:

1. Knitting – one of my best hobbies yet (I suppose crochet is acceptable)
2. Fixing up old cars – this is an excellent one meeting all criteria
3. Playing an instrument – again, excellent though potentially violates OC3.
4. Listening to music/a band/watching movies – may violate OC2, depending on how evangelical you get about your band.
5. Blogging – doesn’t always meet MC4, unless you start to meet OC4
6. Oenology – which is also known as the study of wine… though too much wine may very well violate OC3.
7. Reading/Literature
8. Painting/Sculpting/Photography
9. Cooking/Baking
10. Birding (for my mother)
11. Running/Sports (excluding weight lifting)
12. Gardening
13. Decorating
14. Writing

Just for fun, I will give some examples of things that we do not endorse as acceptable hobbies.

Bad Hobbies:

1. Weight Lifting – Many of you would think, Kristen, aren’t you being unfair? You said running/exercising, what’s the difference. Well, I’ll tell you. I dated a guy whose only hobbies were 1) having orgasms in 1 minute or less 2) drinking excessively and 3) weight lifting. It was bad. First of all, no one gives a shit about your muscles. Now, I know no one gives a shit about Hot New Band X that I read about last night, but really Muscles? Second, you know what happens when weight lifting is your hobby? You go fucking nuts, you start taking all kinds of creatine and protein supplements which then leads to steroids, tiny penises and the like. It’s just bad bad bad.
2. Masturbating – This would sound like an intriguing hobby. Except that when you go through the criteria, it violates way too many of them. Most of all, however, it’s just really disturbing to think of talking to other people about this… “So last night, I was…” yeah, you just don’t go there.
3. Tatoos and/or piercing – While, technically, these don’t violate any of the criteria, I think that, in general, they are not advisable. Especially if you foresee yourself being the type of person who goes through hobbies the way Paris Hilton goes through doses of penicillin (for treatment of the clap): a face full of tattoos is much more difficult to deal with in the long run than a couple of over priced bottles of Pinot Noir and a copy of The Encyclopedia of Wine.