Neurotica

I’ve been posting less frequently because I wait for inspiration. I wait until the blog post is almost composed in my head and then I start. But I get whole posts composed in my head several times a week; however, one of the following things happens: 1) I totally forget that I thought of something 2) I totally forget what I thought of and spend a good 20 to 30 minutes trying desperately to remember what it was 3) I start to write, and it turns out like hell. Keeping a notebook or something with me would probably help; however, even someone as proud of her complete nerdiness as I am is unable to bring herself to that.

(Sharp Left Turn) As much as I love my best friend, it turns out she is a terrible blogger. Therefore, our short stint into the world of electronic co-bloggership has been officially declared over. At the same time, my blog’s re-branding has allowed me to remove myself from the realm of subject specific blogging and placed me in the wild, random world of blogging about whatever the hell I want to. As such, I will be posting about music here. But not today.

(Sharp Right Turn) Another sort of general problem I have with blogging has to do with my need to entertain people. I have spent my entire life convinced that I am personally responsible for the quality of experience the people around me are having. To that end, I have always believed that I must be interesting, entertaining and funny for people to like me or even for them to want to be around me. This has caused me a huge amount of anxiety over the years. It has also made me avoid people who don’t think I’m funny. Part of the reason I avoid them has to do with the fact that I am funny and people who don’t think so are devoid of personality. But the other reason is that my stress level increases enormously because that’s what I have to give. How can I entertain you and make sure you are having a great time if I can’t make you laugh?

So blogging is sort of like that. In order to retain readers, I must post interesting and entertaining material with some regularity. In order to obtain new readers, I must post entertaining and amusing comments on the blogs of others. There’s no way around it.

But if that fits into my life view, what’s the problem? Well, the problem is that I’m trying really hard to change my view on this whole entertainment of others thing. So this notion that one of my hobbies sort of enforces my unhealthy behavior is very disturbing. Which leaves me with two choices: 1) Stop blogging. That’s not something I want to do because I really like writing. Like a lot. 2) Stop worrying about the reaction of others and blog for myself. But, if I could fucking do that, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.

I’m working on option 2.

I will now stop gazing at my belly button. Cause nothing bores people more than introspection... Oh wait... damn.