Apprentice Finale

Since there is no way I could do any better. Here is a link to the bestest writeup on the Apprentice finale.

http://www.ew.com/ew/article/commentary/0,6115,1063907_3_0_,00.html

Fun stuff.

Last Nite's Alias

In my opinion, last night was the best night of Alias we have been treated to this season. It was not with out its amusing moments. One of my favorites was when Sidney's mother cut her down from the booby trap and Sidney somehow, amazingly landed ON HER FEET. She must have been a good 10 feet in the air, yet she managed to land on her feet. The woman is amazing. However, the whole booby trap thing made me wonder: where were these booby traps when they came in? One of my co-workers suggested they were in too much of hurry to be careful on the way out, but why were they in a hurry? Unless the guards were getting ready to feed Mama a midnight snack, they wouldn't have known she was missing until morning potty break (unless Sidney and WhinyBratSister Nadia forgot the third rule of stealth: close and lock the cage door behind yourself. The first rule of stealth is you do not talk about stealth. The second rule of stealth is… you get it. I gotta tell you though, the silly Alias people forget; they are always activating the mysterious coms to tell base-ops what they are doing, “Walking down hallway to enter door.” Yeah, we all can see you, don’t need to tell us).

This same co-worker wondered where Jack was when they were making the return trip. Good point, Bill. Where was he? He was ready, available and helpful prior to the rescue, but post rescue, he decided to take a nap. Maybe he was preparing himself for the reunion with his long lost wife. He figured, hey, if you can get in, you can get out, no?

Another observation, all of Sidney's current aliases involve looking like a slut. It's like let's put her in a nightgown and now she's the slutty French slut (but I was a slutty French slut last week). Wassup with that?

I will give Mr. Abrams mad props for the "Are we on coms?" joke, which was a high point of the evening. However, I have no idea why Sidney likes stupid Vaughn so much. He's a wimp. They've totally emasculated him this season. Anu and I keep hoping for a return of Sark. Best case scenario: on the beach next week after they've saved the world from the spinning red ball of death, Vaughn will ask Sidney to marry him, and she will push him aside, walk right to Sark, and start making out with him.

Last and pretty important point… ummm, there was a big red ball floating in the air above a medium-sized city in Russia. Big. Red. Ball. Look JJ, my friend, I can stomach body doubles, losing 2 years of one's life voluntarily after performing acts about which we will not speak in order to convince your captors that they had successfully brainwashed you, or a 1000 year-old prophecy from a man who managed to hide parts of his prophecy in places we weren't able to reach without modern day technology, but really. The whole point of all four seasons and 1000 years of searching for a man's prophecy was making a big red ball. A big red ball that just makes people angry and want to kill eachother, no less? WHA? Shit, you want people to kill each other, just put a bunch of Republicans on either side of the stem cell debate in a room. You don't need no stinkin' red ball. I keep hoping that aliens will be cloned from the spinning red ball of death, or that Rambaldi himself will spin out of the red ball through the bend in the space/time continuum created by the ball’s really fast spinning OR somethin'. Right now, it's just a big spinning red ball of death.

Holla Back, Wha?

So I know there are really important things going on in the world today: bombing in Iraq, Sentate debate on judicial filibusters, general nonsense on the part of conservatives; however, I feel I must address the following as a matter utmost importance to the integrity of our country's music industry.

Gwen Stefani has subjected us, the music consuming public, to many horrible pieces of music. I've never been a big fan, but some low points include No Doubt's "Hella Good" and her recent "Rich Girls," but her newest single has set a new low. You may think she is talented; you may think she is cool, but no, no my non-existent blog readers, she is not.

Exhibit A:

Lyrics to "Holla Back Girl"

"A few times I've been around that track.

So it's not just gonna happen like that.

'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl; I ain't no hollaback girl

Oooh, this my shit, this my shit

Oooh, this my shit, this my shit

Oooh, this my shit, this my shit

Oooh, this my shit, this my shit

I heard that you were talking shit.

And you didn't think that I would hear it.

People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up.

So I'm ready to attack, gonna lead the pack

Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out

That's right, put your pom-poms down,

getting everybody fired up.

Few times I've been around that track

So it's not just goin' to happen like that

'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl

Oooh, this my shit, this my shit[4x]

So that's right dude, meet me at the bleachers.

No principals, no student-teachers.

Both of us wanna be the winner, but there can only be one.

So I'm gonna fight, gonna give it my all.

Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to you.

That's right, I'm the last one standing, another one bites the dust.

Few times I've been around that track

So it's not just goin' to happen like that

'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl I ain't no hollaback girl

Oooh, this my shit, this my shit [4x]

Let me hear you say, this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S

this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Again, this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S

This shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S "

Do I even need an exhibit B? Good cause I don't have one (I wanted a picture of her stupid costume from the video, but couldn't find one). Now, my main concern is that she didn't write this herself but paid someone to do it. Which may remove the fault of horrifying song writing (about which I can do little griping as I am almost certain my songs would be no better than this... though I'm unlikely to make millions off them either way), but brings up a whole host of other concerns like: which part of this song made her think it was good? My second concern has to do with a 35 year-old singing about high school. GET OVER IT ALREADY. Look, as a 35 year-old multi-millionaire married to GAVIN ROSSDALE, should not be singing about high school. HELLO, sing about your hot husband. My last and final concern, what is with all the "shits"?

I have considered the fact that the song may be a joke, but tell you the truth, it's not a real funny one. You want funny jokes in your music, check out my Ween link.

Ok, enough of this. I have to go read about Erica Kane's 10th wedding on All My Children.

Legend of Zelda Returns

I can't begin to explain how excited I am about this game.

http://www.zelda.com/universe/game/legendzelda/shots.jsp

I am replaying Wind Waker for the third time right now, and if this new game is just as good as Wind Waker, it will be awesome. However, every report I have read indicates that it's going to be even better. I can't wait.

Look, a post with no sarcasm.

Hot, Nude Cheerleaders?

As many of you know, the Texas House of Representatives proposed a law banning "overtly sexual and suggestive" cheerleading in public high schools (though the legislation looks like it's DOA in the Texas Senate). This law is just plain silly for so many reasons, but my favorite is this:

"Rep. Al Edwards, D-Houston, had argued that the exhibitions are a distraction for high school students that result in pregnancies, high school dropouts, contraction of AIDS and herpes and 'cutting off their youthful life at an early age.'" -AP Wire

See, this is the problem with abstinence only sex education. It makes you think crazy things like this. If the poor man proposing the bill had been taught about sex, he would know how it all works. I may not know much, but I know that there is absolutely no way you can get AIDS from cheerleading. Unless, of course, you are having sex with a person who has HIV while you are cheering for the hometown football team, which brings up a whole host of other, arguably more important, problems for which there most definitely should be laws.

Oh my gosh, The Bachelor is just frickin' killing me. They have this music and these magical doors the girl comes through, and the bachelor is crying for like the 5th time during the show. Ok, I've rolled my eyes so much they hurt. Make it stop. He said, "I'd put it [the ring] on you, but I'm shaking." He only likes her cause he can pick her up, hold her in the air and kiss her. That's all man really wants, a girl to pick up in the air and kiss. OK, I have to go cure cancer or you know, resolve the Senate dispute over judicual nominees to make myself feel better.

One last thing. Patrick Demsey better not break Meredith's heart on Grey's Anatomy this Sunday.

So, I'm starting my little project over.

First two observations.

1) I flipped to The Day After Tomorrow on Cinemax a second ago. Jake Gyllenhaal said something like, "It looks like this is the eye [of the storm]. We have to get the wolves out of the building before we go back." Look I may not know much, but I know that if given a script that contains a line about getting the wolves out of the building, it is best to TURN IT DOWN.

2) I'm feeding my cheesy reality show addiction (I will most definitely have more on this on another day). The bachelor's mom wore a necklace with bones on it. Like lots of bones sticking out to the sides. And they keep having all these serious conversations (always containing the phrases "falling in love", "doing this for the right reasons", "they are both great girls"), but all I can think about is that stupid bone necklace. Every Monday at 8, feminism dies a little death, and i fucking love it.